Wife of a Wounded Marine: Grief = BiPolar -
One minute you're up, one minute you're down. One month you're great, the next you want to be shot.(READ MORE)
It's like, my life isn't technically bad right now, and I'm thankful for what is going on in it. I know that choosing to go back to the past or getting Cleve back isn't an option. I do. I've accepted the idea that I must live in the now, and that's fine. But. When I miss him so much, like right now, guilt starts to pile on. Death is so confusing. You want all of these things that don't go together. Together none of it makes sense. You miss someone so much, and you want them back so bad, yet, you are falling for someone else. You have all these dreams that you are going for and that you want so bad, except if you could go back to the past and give this all up, you would. Today, things have just caught up a bit.
For one, I went back and read some of the stuff I wrote when I was younger. I wish I could slap myself. On the one hand, I wasn't careful about what I wrote. Nobody read me, so I really just spoke freely. I sounded like an immature moron. I think so, anyway. Things were bad and worse than what I wrote, but the way I reacted to it sometimes was no better. Part of me wishes I had more wisdom back then, then again, it wouldn't have helped anything. I just wouldn't have complained as much. I just regret a lot. I'm not sure what I could've done different, I just don't know.