December 2, 2010

Holiday One from Letters to You

Letters to You: Holiday One -

It was terrible. I knew it wouldn't be "normal," but it was harder than I thought it would be. I had no desire to talk to anyone or anything that whole day. Even the days prior to are hard. I did a lot of crying and sleeping. LOTS of retail therapy. I know, you were probably throwing a fit the entire time but it made me feel better.

The thing is everyone wants to try to make it better. Insisting you be around a ton of people and forcing a smile on your face. I deal with it better when I'm alone. All that ever happens when people poke at me is I get angry/upset and it makes the whole situation worse. Not to mention it was thanksgiving. What am I thankful for? I know that I have things that I should have been thankful for, but I really didn't want to be. Why should I? It's almost like I'm expected to be thankful for a lot of things while my whole life is still a complete mess. I haven't picked up all my pieces and put them back together.

Last Thanksgiving you were here with me. I was so excited that week because I hate staying alone and I got you to myself for the most part. I was thankful then for you and the direction my life was headed. We fought that same weekend. I wish now that we wouldn't have. 99% of the time I was the one instigating it, but I couldn't help it. Sometimes I just wanted to fight with you and we never stayed mad at each other. It was always something stupid and lasted just a few hours. At the end of the day we still loved each other regardless.


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