When three becomes two: A long road ahead -
Everyone says that it'll get better, and that times mends a broken heart. Well, I'm here to say, that's a lie...so far. My days have only gotten harder, not easier. I'd rather still be in a haze and in shock. It hurts worse now that it's all sank in.
I have started to put up walls, and I don't let people in nearly as easy as I did before. So that way there's less chance of being hurt in any form. This will sound crazy, but I've built up walls to keep me from me. I lie to myself that I'm ok, when of course I'm not. I do my best to keep it all inside and try not to cry. That only works against me, because when it rains it pours. And when something is said to me like this recently was "Cody loved you so much, you're all he talked about around the poker table in Afghanistan, he was crazy about you." I loose all the self-control that I have and just cry and cry until I fall asleep.
Seeing Colten I wonder what it would be like to still get calls from Cody from Afghanistan asking how is he and to hear Cody say how cute and big he'd gotten. Knowing that Cody should be home in a month in like a knife. That pain is something I can't even begin to describe. Yes, I am happy for the other wives that are so blessed to be getting their husbands off the bus, but my jealousy and hurt over shadows my joy for them. I just can't make sense out of it all. Why will others come home, and Cody won't. Why would a great marine that lead his team in prayer before each patrol be the one that doesn't make it home to his new born son? It's just not right.