January 3, 2011

Wife of a Wounded Marine: New Years 2011 and Random Thoughts

Wife of a Wounded Marine: New Years 2011 and Random Thoughts -
Christmas went well. Now I am ready for this year to be over. I have no doubts that this will go down as the worst year of my life. I know people will die in the future, but I just can't see a year comparing to this one. However, I have high hopes for 2011. I'm excited for it, and am looking forward to it.

I have been super emotional the past couple of weeks. I'm not sure what my deal is. I keep randomly getting flashbacks of memories with Cleve and I instantly get sad. What's odd is the first few months all I could think about were the bad times. The things I regretted. The things I hated. The things I wished I could have changed. Now I'm remembering good times. Funny conversations. Looking at his face. Listening to him sleep. Holding his hand. Eating dinner together. Small things. They hurt worse. I almost feel like my mind was blocking them out for a while. I just couldn't handle it. Now they are coming fast and often. I miss him more than ever and it just sucks. I will randomly have moments where something clicks and it feels like I finally get it after all this time. I finally realize that he is actually gone. When it happens a new sense of grief comes flooding over me. It happens quick, and it's weird. The longing for him to come back is so deep in those moments I can hardly breath and I just want to die and be with him, then it goes away again and I'm able to go on with my day. I chose to keep living my life, and to the fullest, no matter how much I hurt. Some days it's just a little harder to push myself.

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