March 21, 2011

Stage 4: Depression, Reflection and Loneliness

From Back on the Homefront by Beth -
While I know that this deployment looming over us is not quite the same as dealing with the death of a loved one, it often feels like it. I find myself going through the same seven stages of grief. Each deployment brings about the shock and denial. "No, it can't be time for another one already." "But we just started getting back into a family routine again." Soon after the shock wears off, the pain and guilt stage sets in.

During this stage, I feel like I'm somehow letting down my children. It hurts that I can't give them everything that they deserve. While Micah is gone, something as simple as the fact that I can't teach my little boy how to pee standing up can bring me to tears. In my heart, I know that all they really need is my love and reassurance, but sometimes my mind takes over my heart. No matter how hard I try, I just can't be the "father" who takes them to father/son fun night at school.

I move on from the pain and guilt and get into the anger stage. Somehow this stage seems to linger on throughout the deployment, so I'm sure I'll write about it more at a later date. Tonight though, I'm writing about my current state of grief: stage four. As you can see by my title, I'm finding myself depressed, reflecting and lonely. I can't believe how on target that description is.

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