March 18, 2011

Survivor

From A Little Pink in a World of Camo by Mrs P -
That's what they say I am, anyway. Right? Everything is about "survivors." Counseling for survivors... organizations for survivors... survivor benefits... etc etc etc. I used to scoff at the word survivor. I didn't feel much of a survivor but as the one left behind. Doesn't sound as regal as survivor, does it? But that's what I thought. Now, a year (and 3 days) later, I see it. Survivor.

I have survived. I've made it a year through widowhood. As I post this now I think to myself isn't this the exact day I was posting about becoming a widow? I'm not sure, I'd have to check... Weird.

Please excuse me, my thoughts are hectic, probably the reason I've been avoiding blogging. With the one year mark of the angelversary comes so many thoughts. Good ones, bad ones. I feel almost proud of myself. I've made it. And I feel deeply, deeply sad. It hits hard. Balancing all these feelings is like that rock-weight game. Ya know where you gotta find the right rocks to put on both sides of the scale to make them even but they're always just a teensy bit off? Yeah... I go back and forth. I miss him more each day and I've been flooded with memories. Memories of the knock, the doorbell ringing.
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